Enneagram 4

Last summer I had gone over to a friend's house for a small get together with some of her friends that I didn't know very well or were meeting for the first time. I remember sitting at her kitchen table laughing and talking when someone goes, "have you all taken an enneagram test?!" I had remembered taking one a long time ago, but couldn't remember my results because I wasn't really interested at the time.

The person that asked if we'd taken the test (that I'd met about two hours prior for the first time, okay?) was now going around and saying which enneagram type she thought each of us was, so that made me want to take the test just to see what this person's first impression of me was and if they were correct. I can't remember which test we all took, it was a short one with like 50 questions, but I do remember hearing each person call out their type and some of the traits as they finished their tests up.

"I'm a 2! Caring, loving, generous, people pleasing - yep, that's me!"

"I'm a 9.. easygoing, reassuring, agreeable, and a peacemaker. I can't believe how accurate this is!"

Then my results came in and I start reading aloud, "I'm a 4! creative, expressive, emotional, dramatic, um.. uh.. self-absorbed, uncooperative, temperamental.." I stopped reading aloud because what. the...

Oh yeah, I can see that! someone says.

You're a 4 for sure! "who tf said that?!" I think to myself as I look around to try to figure out who it was.

I was right!! says random lady.


I went home and read everything I could about type fours. And yeah, it was true. I was definitely a four. I found myself nodding along to everything I was reading and it was an eye opener. Nothing had me as ready to dive in and do hard work on myself like finding out I was a type four did.

via @enneagramvibes

Good lord. I'm going to break this down trait by trait.

| Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others.

I've always felt that I was so different from others - more so in my younger years, but I still feel this way sometimes now - and I feel I am never able to form a connection with anyone. The only way I have made friends is through work. Basically, people that are forced to spend hours with me. Because that's how long it takes for someone to realize that I'm actually fun to be around 😂

| Fours basic fear is that they have no identity or personal significance.

This has been very true for me. I have always tied my identity into my job and when I couldn't find a job where I felt that I fit in (see above trait), I felt that I didn't have an identity. It about broke me when I first became a mother and wasn't able to provide financially anymore. I very heavily tied that into my worth and identity which made me feel useless. 

| Fours are reserved or withdrawn in large groups.

I have been this way since I was a little kid. And now, I constantly get comments that I look like I'm having a bad time, or why am I not talking, etc. But I am very rarely having a bad time when I'm out! I really, really enjoy listening to others but don't often feel the need to add any comments. This is something I am working on though because I don't want anyone to think I don't enjoy their company.

Basically, I stay in my head a lot and let my imagination run wild creating elaborate scenarios and believing things are fact when really.. I've just made them up in my mind 😅 But now that I have identified the main issue, I can really work hard on being aware of when I'm going overboard.

Things that helped me: joining an enneagram 4 group on Facebook. I also joined the group for my husband's number. He's an 8 and I have since learned that we are the worst pairing of the entire enneagram so that's cool.

Also, just following a few enneagram meme accounts on Instagram. My favorite more serious accounts are justmyenneatype and The Enneagram & You. These are for all types, not just 4s. But what they post about my number just blows me away and helps me work through things for sure.

And some of my favorite funny accounts: enneagramvibes, okayenneagram, and 4enneagram.

So yeah, after doing some learning and working towards being more aware, I have grown to appreciate being a four. I still sometimes wish I weren't so emotional or reactive, but I know that there are situations that I do better at than others. For example, when my daughter is very emotional or having big feelings about something I am able to come in and truly help because I understand and know how to connect in that moment. I'm proud that I am able to see that I do have strengths now and I owe that to learning more about the enneagram.

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